Please let me be very clear about “Addiction Dance.” I regard most recurring violence as the primordial addictive response to unresolved emotional pain. At around the age of three, most of us males and many females initially responded to overwhelming emotional pain by striking out at it…hitting! When my conditioners (parents) called me a “Bad Boy,” I didn’t know what they were talking about (couldn’t think for another couple of years). So I started hitting. I hit my bed, my toys, my walls, my siblings…anything I could to make the emotional pain go away! I did not have enough RAM in my personal computer to resolve the energy that was being foisted on me. The emotional pain became a virus in my little “hard drive.” And the virus just grew as viruses do. Some of us never stop hitting. Some hit family members, dates and other friends. Some of us lose our families. Some go to jail, prison. Some kill. Some die. The pain is never resolved by violence (or any other addictions).

The definition of addiction articulated in the book, The Mind Whisperer, the textbook for a program called The Freedom Step is, “any ego solution that repeatedly attempts to inhibit or treat the feeling of unresolved emotional pain.” That definition has often been challenged, particularly by those who have been victims of domestic (relationship) violence. Some perpetrators feel the same way about it as well. I have been accused of excusing violence by calling it an addiction. On the contrary, I have never regarded any addiction as an excuse for inappropriate behavior.

When the causes and conditions for addictive behavior are clearly defined, solutions then become possible. It is impossible to stop any addictive behavior by focusing on the symptoms. Violence against anybody, when used to treat or resolve emotional pain is but a symptom of the real problem. The real problem could very well be unresolved pain.

There is a solution to the viral condition of unresolved emotional pain. We are our own anti-virus. Nobody outside has the power to delete the virus. Nobody!

All adult participants in repeated domestic violence episodes are involved in the dance. Addiction can often be a co-dependency, with its own manifestations. Along with billions of others, I have been both victim and perpetrator in this behavior. In my life, I have employed many other addictions to resolve my pain. None of them has ever worked.

Blame and shame, hate and punishment have never really stopped violence. If you are in any way involved in domestic violence, please find some help in resolving the causes and conditions. If you are not a child, you are responsible. There is real help. There are solutions!

If you are a child, you are always in my prayers.