When love is depicted in the media, acclaimed in poetry and song, pursued with wanton vigor, it is often accompanied by intense emotion,physical attraction, eroticism, addiction and strong longing...wanting...needing. We all really know that this is not love at all. This love, when frustrated (and it will be frustrated), easily turns to hate. Here, the beloved has become a sort of object of ownership.

Hold me close, hold me tight

Make me thrill with delight

Let me know where I stand from the start

I want you, I need you, I love you

With all my heart.

"I Want You, I Need you, I Love You,"

Words and music by Elvis Presley

In the Spanish language, when someone expresses love to the beloved, that person may say, "Te quiero," which means, "I want you" as well as, "I love you." "Te amo" means "I love you." It does not involve want or need. When we express love for one another, it usually means, "Te quiero," rarely "Te amo."

When nothing is done,

nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained

by letting things go their own way.

It can't be gained by interfering.

Tao Te Ching

Once, a few years ago, I was having a session with one of my spiritual coaches, a wonderful, artistic, spiritually evolved, cat-loving woman named Amy Hillenbrand. At one point during our time together, I said something like, "Oh, I'm just a flake." As I recall, the following dialogue then took place:

Amy: "Marty, did what you just said about yourself show yourself unconditional love?"

Marty: "I was just kidding."

Amy: "That isn't what I asked. Did what you just said about yourself show yourself unconditional love?"

"You know, Amy, when my kids were growing up I always told them not..."

"Marty...?"

"No, it did not."

"Unless you love yourself without condition, Marty, you can't love me at all. It is important to me that you love me. It is critical to you that you love me. Unless you love yourself without condition, you cannot love me or anyone else at all."

What Amy taught me is that love, in essence, is not an object, a feeling, a gift that we are able to grant to or withhold from one another. In essence, love may not even be an active verb.

Love operates like this: When we love ourselves without condition, we totally forgive ourselves for everything that we have done which may not have been in our best interest. We, in effect, "leave ourselves alone." Forgiveness is an essential ingredient in the process. Then, we are love!

If this theory is true, then to the degree that I forgive myself, leave myself alone and love myself without condition, then to that extent, I am love. Other people who see that in me can "come in" and play; can experience unconditional love, unobstructed by the demands, judgments and needs of my ego.

As a practical matter, here's how it seems to operate in my home. To the extent that I leave my wife, Monita, alone, I love her. To the extent that my ego tries to manipulate her life in any way, I hate her. I have converted her then into an object that my ego thinks somehow belongs to me. I mean, really...!!!

As a healing habit, then, always show yourself unconditional love. Leave yourself alone!